I've always heard that still waters run deep. The problem with still waters is that people rarely take the time to dive deeper to see what's below the surface. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of love to pull back the layers. Why does it seem like the things we want the most sometimes always seem to escape us? I guess because sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to find. I don't ask for much, but the little that I do ask for increasingly seems harder and harder to grasp and hold onto. Is there something wrong with me? Am I bound to forever feel the way I feel right now? I keep telling myself the answer to that question is no, but with each passing day, things feel more and more familiar to me. No one likes to feel alone or misunderstood. I'm convinced that at the end of the day, everyone just wants to feel loved, appreciated, and understood. And I am no different. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I ponder the totality of my life.....from birth to now. There have been so many twists and turns on my journey.....so many valleys and pits, but through it all, I'm still here. I know God has a purpose for me. I know he knows the desires of my heart, but sometimes I feel like certain things are never gonna happen for me. My gift is also my curse. It's a strange feeling and it's amazing how you can be in a room full of people and still feel so utterly alone.
There is so much more to me than meets the eye. I have a heart and a soul and every part of me just wants to be free to be me completely and loved unconditionally for exactly who I am. Maybe what I want doesn't exist. I don't know, but I know I'm tired of going through the same cycle in life......same record.....different song. I want to know how "it" feels. Maybe it's just a fairytale. Maybe it was never meant to exist in reality...only God knows. It's like I can see it happening all over again. It's like watching a glass break in slow motion. You can see it breaking, but you're powerless to stop it. When did this all get so complicated? Everything looks and feels so different to me now. Maybe I'm just too emotional. Maybe I should care less.....naw....who am I fooling? This is who I am. I DO care. I love hard and with everything in me. There's no halfway with me. We humans are funny creatures.....we crave the very things that have the potential to destroy us. It's like the phrase goes, "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to do it".
Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is the reality that you're ultimately on your own in this world and you have to depend of you. Man will let you down because we are all flawed and we make mistakes. Betrayal and deception can be a hard pill to swallow from those who claim to love you. I've always felt that if you're putting out positivity and giving unconditional love to those around you, you should be getting that in return. But it doesn't always work out that way. But you have to continue to be true to yourself and not allow anything or anyone to change who you are.
Don't worry about me though. I will survive. I'm a fighter. I just want to know why this keeps happening. I know there has to a be a lesson in all this and I'm anxious to figure out what the lesson is, so I can move forward. God, please speak to my heart and show me the light. I trust you are working on my behalf even when I can't see it or understand it. I know I'm not making much sense, but I just needed to vent. Sometimes even the therapist needs some therapy and sometimes you have to encourage yourself. Thanks for listening to my rant :)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
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